Rant of the Week by Dr. Cox of "Scrubs"

Dr. Cox: [Whistles.] All right, everybody! Gather around here, circle it up, will ya? Bring it in nice and tight. Look, I know I'm pretty quick to point out other people's mistakes but...I have a son now, and I also realize that it's important to recognize when someone does something right. Mr. Blake down in Bed 3 came in here with what seemed like a basic heart block. But someone took the time to find out that recently he'd been camping and correctly diagnosed him with Lyme Carditis. Now, I'm sure some of you are gonna think this is a silly exercise, but I'd like that someone to step forward and stick your hand up in the air so that the group can recognize your great good work. This--this is no time to be modest. Come now.

He looks around at them expectantly while raising his own hand.

Dr. Cox: Oh! My God! It was me! I did it, I'm a genius, I'm a huge brain in a ripped up body, I am Jesus H. Cox...M.D. Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself, so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient...

Lonnie: That's me, daddy.

J.D.: Put your hand down, Lonnie.

Dr. Cox: And then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis.

J.D.: In my defense, I was up late watching a 'Designing Women' marathon.

Dr. Cox: And, last but not least, there was the surgeon who wanted to crack open Mr. Blake's chest like a walnut and put in a pacemaker that he didn't even need. Now, he's too modest to introduce himself to the group, so I'll do the honors. [Approaching Turk] He is so black, so bald, and he can't eat cupcakes because he's got diabetes. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk!

Turk: Can you just get out of here so we can get back to work?

Dr. Cox: Not until people start chanting my name so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head in a victorious gesture. Capisce? You see, this diagnosing machine, this fabulous thing? Well, it runs on props, so I'm going to need to hear it. Come now.

Group: [Unenthusiastically] Cox...Cox...Cox...Cox...Cox...Cox....

Dr. Cox: [Making his victorious exit] Me. Me. Me. Oh, so me!

T.A.(P)D.