"So, Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas..."

From the Mystery Science Theater 3000 classic Santa Claus Conquers the Martians:

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
We'll decorate a barstool and gather round and sing.

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!
It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar.
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car!

I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till.
I think that that right jolly old elf had better make out his will ohh!

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all.
And this can be the haziest...this can be the laziest...
This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them AAALLLLLLLLLL!"

Silly? Pointless?

Yes. (After all, that was pretty much the whole point of MST3K...to be both silly and pointless, in an incredibly intelligent way.)

However, I would contend that there are "Christmas" songs out there that get regular radio airplay that are just as pointless. Or, dare I say annoying. And I'm not talking about songs like Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer or the McKenzie Brothers' 12 Days of Christmas (you know, "on the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a beer." Yeah, that one.). Those are meant to be silly, pointless, mildly annoying, etc.

But, here, in no particular order, is my list of most annoying Christmas songs that just get under my nerves and I really hate them with a passion:

1) The Christmas Shoes. I'm a sucker for sappy stories, but this one is just too doggone contrived. All they needed to do was put in something about a dead dog and a pickup that won't start and they could've had a country hit on their hands. I'm not sure why, but instead of feeling sad when I hear this song, I feel sarcastic. And used. And a little bit angry. Not exactly "the Christmas spirit..." Oh...and just because something mentions Jesus doesn't mean it's not a piece of drivelish crap. You don't get a free pass musically OR lyrically just for writing a Christian song.

2) Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney. At least I think that's the title...after all, that's pretty much all he sings the whole song. And the tune, once it's in my head it never leaves. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing sometimes, but with this song since the tune is just ONE LINE LONG it's the same thing over and over and over..."simply having a wonderful Christmastime...simply having a wonderful Christmastime...simply having etc."

3) Last Christmas by either Wham or George Michael...does it really matter? "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special..." GAG. Personally, I think his problem is that he doesn't realize one can give one's heart away on days OTHER than Christmas. George, if it doesn't work out, you don't have to wait another 364 days, buddy! But PLEASE quit singing about it...

4) Step Into Christmas by Elton John. Um, only Elton John can get away with beginning lyrics like "welcome to my Christmas song, I'd like to thank you for the year." And the only thing that even MAKES this a Christmas song is that he uses the word "Christmas" a few times. The song itself, honestly, I do enjoy. But the absolute #1 most annoying thing about this one is the way it was mixed. You hear the instrumentals just fine, but it sounds like Elton's singing in the next room. I can just see him banging on the wall: "Hey! You!!! Welcome to my Christmas song!!!"

5) Christmas Canon by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. First, I'm kinda jaded about the whole Canon in D thing--too overused for pretty much EVERYTHING. But I could live with it if it wasn't for those KIDS singing "on this night, on this night, on this merry Christmas night, on this night, on this night, on this merry Christmas night" over and over and over and over and OVER. It's like a musical woodpecker eating away at your brain.

Well, that's 5 to get you started. Any others to add to the list?

T.A.(P)D.